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Beautiful Day

I do love the fellas. I especially love the hot fellas that happen to be my friends from back home. And when I say hot, I mean smokin’ hot guys that have abs for days and guns I just want wrapped around me for the rest of my life. They would most certainly give The Situation and his ab-tastic physique a run for his money. And unlike The Situation, they’re not meatheads and they’re super nice guys so of course its always been a pleasure to be one of their friends.

Some of these little lovelies came to O-Town this week for BluesFest and we hit it. Hard. It was awesome!

It’s probably the most fun I’ve had in quite some time. Over the course of a couple days I did a lot of thinking. I thought a lot about how much fun it is to hang with a group of male friends. I’ve always had lots of ‘em (junior high, high school, university, Munich and London). Some of my best friends have been/are guys. It’s been great. Sadly, I’m lacking a pack here in O-Town.

For the better part of my life, I’ve had purely platonic but fairly intimate friendships with quite a few attractive guys. They’ve inadvertently acted as a boyfriend substitute and allowed me to avoid taking A LOT of relationship risks. They filled the void and didn’t even know it.

Substitutes like this make it oh so easy to be single. Why, when I’m surrounded by super hot, super nice guys would I want to take any risks and ruin it by hitting on one of them? I mean, I’ve always wanted a relationship but I wasn’t ever really willing to give up anything to get one. Be that friendship, time, space or pride.

And I guess I’m lying a little. Some of my platonic relationships with men have started off with me having a crush on them. And instead of going for it, I take us to the friend-zone and bury any chance of a romantic relationship. I do this because this way, they can’t reject me on the basis of my over-sized lady lumps, I won’t get hurt and I still get to have them in my life.

Despite my physical and mental transformation over the last 14 months, I’m still repeating the same mistakes I did before. I’m getting what seems like a bit more attention from the fellas (or maybe I’m just more aware of it?) but I’d still rather be just friends with lots of hot guys, rather than let any of them know I might actually be a bit more attracted to or care a bit more about them than I let on.

I’m consistently aloof and internally continue to focus on the Curse of Curves. Frankly, I still believe it to be true. Why would guys like them, ever consider someone like me…Even if I did sacrifice my pride and crawl out on that limb to reach for the relationship I really want, I still can’t believe it’s worth the risk of them rejecting me and disappearing from my life.

It’s so frustrating and absolutely paralyzing to know full well that I’m the reason I’m in this position – single, lonely and wishing I had more male friends to act as crutches in my life. I know how pathetic it is to wish for a crutch rather than wish for a relationship. But to get myself to the point where I could even consider that I’m worthy has been and will continue to be my biggest challenge in my weight loss journey.

At this point, I feel it’s very important to note that I have a beautiful group of girlfriends here in Ottawa that love me and try to change my mind about my aversion to dating on a fairly regular basis. But I just need some boy time now and then and if friendship is how I’m gonna get it, I’ll take what I can get.

See, I’m a girls’ girl and a guy’s best friend. And it has its pros and cons. But really, I deserve more than that. I deserve to be more than just a really great friend. I deserve to have someone love me for me and I deserve to have them treat me as well as I treat my friends. I just need to get out of my own way to have it and be confident enough to put myself out there. So, I’m working on it. I’m going to try to be a bit more clear about my intentions. I’ll keep you posted.

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It Feels Good

So, I’ve been a bit busy lately and have been keeping my written rants and raves tucked neatly away in my lollipop. Although I’ve had loads to say I just haven’t really had the chance to type it all out. For my own self indulgence I feel the need to do a little brain dump so in the interests of keeping my blog brief yet informative, my musings will follow here in point form today.

  1. I had a fill chat with cheerfully friendly Jody from Slimband who at one point considered the idea that I may not actually exist in real life due to my elusive cell phone behaviour. She performed the inevitable and scheduled a chat with Nurse Nancy.
  2. I finally got the job of my dreams. I’ve been interviewing for real jobs in O-Town. Not just the kind of jobs we want when we don’t actually have a job but the kind of jobs we want to drop everything for. I interviewed with Schleich (the Germany toy company that distributes the Smurfs) and with Export Development Canada and….I got the job with EDC. Yayyyyy!!!!Something tells me I may have actually been selected for the Schleich job too but I inadvertently announced my acceptance of the EDC job on LinkedIn via Twitter thinking I was Tweeting to my chums rather than my professional contacts. Tut, tut Vickie dear. This is not the best way to start a career as the Web Marketing Manager for Canada’s crown corporation responsible for providing export assistance. But, better to make these mistakes now, eh??  I start the job on August 3rd.
  3. I got scolded by the lovely Nurse Nancy. I guess I deserved it but it sucked the wind out of my sails a bit. Since my second fill, I’ve been doing very well to ensure I’m eating less and moving more but I haven’t really felt all thatrestricted. I had one incident with a plate of Chinese food where I’m pretty sure my lap-band spoke to me in a more than stern shriek about the importance of chewing one’s food but other than that it’s been pretty smooth sailing for this bandster. So, I mentioned this very point to Nancy and expressed my disappointment that my band wasn’t shrieking more often.
    Full belly frogMuch to my dismay, she was very stern herself in explaining to me that THAT feeling isn’t the ‘soft warning’ for the ‘feeling of fullness’ I should be looking for. THAT feeling is in fact, the feeling of overeating. So, I absolutely should NOT be hoping for that feeling EVER. Hmph. This of course frustrated me to no end because if I could stop eating before I was feeling completely full, then I really wouldn’t have had to spend $16000 on a lap-band. But I gotta do what the good Nurse Nancy says and focus on food quantity before I actually put it in my mouth. That being said, she did schedule another good sized fill for me with Dr B so I ultimately got what I wanted despite the debate. I haven’t made my appointment yet though.
  4. I’m currently having some good times in The Maritimes visiting my home town of Saint John, NB. Very nice to be back in The Port City chillin’ with some friends and watching the world go by near the ocean. There’s really not too much better in the world than a day at the beach. Although the landscape and the view have changed somewhat since my departure, Mispec Beach still holds a special place in my heart. I’ll be heading to sunny Shediac to Parlee Beach for a wedding this weekend then on to Mabou, Cape Breton for another one. Lots of great stuff to do before it’s back to the grindstone!

Mispec BeachThat’s about it for now. Bit of a big blog post today but had some stuff to say so it’s good to get these things on screen. Remember back in the day when we wrote things on paper??

What Good Can Drinking Do?

Well, a lot sometimes. It’s been a pretty busy couple days for me and it’s absolutely sweltering. Of all the times in my life that I feel fat, hot days are the worst. There are few things more unattractive to me on a hot day than my sweating self in the sunshine. My hair gets all frizzy, my face gets shiny and my makeup starts melting. Not a pretty picture.

Yesterday I decided to embrace the scorcher and went out in the evening to enjoy the weather with my cuz. After visiting his trio of tiny terrors (whom I love dearly!), we decided to hit the Royal Oak at Bank and McLaren and met up with a couple of old friends from my youth. One of these was a person, the other was a tall glass of very cold Boddington’s bitter. Cue ominous music here.Boddingtons

I know, we’re not supposed to drink beer. I’ve heard it many times. I’ve even felt the affects of why we shouldn’t drink beer. But like every bandster I’m testing my boundaries. I haven’t had a fill yet so I should technically be able to handle a brew or two until then anyway. And besides, Boddington’s is a bitter so there’s a heck of a lot less fizz to bother the band.

It was so great to catch up! It’s hard getting back in touch with old friends sometimes. The continuity isn’t there so it’s easy to lose the familiarity and intimacy of the friendship perviously shared and things can get awkward.  But both of these friends were as charming and enjoyable as ever so I had no trouble catching up with the boy or enjoying the the beer (slowly!).

Old friends, great weather and a cold bitter in the pub are three great reasons to be living back in Canada.

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