OMFG if I hear one more positive effing message come from one more well-meaning but completely patronizing person I’m going to lose my shit! No joke. I’ve got no positivity left people.
After finally making a decision to commit to a life in Ottawa, I was told today that the organisation I’ve most recently been interviewing with has decided after 4 interviews (including a marketing plan and accompanying social media contest) that even though they’d ‘really like’ to hire me, they’re going to go with a reorg instead. And that I’m welcome to apply for the junior roles they’ve just added to their website.
What’s worse, is that this is actually the second major organisation I’ve interviewed with to make the same decision. On top of that, I went through 4 other interviews with another organisation only to hear I that I’m too senior for the job. I’ll wait while you take that in.
I’d hoped that after making at least one major decision, things would do what all the positive people say and start to finally come together. I’m doing literally everything I can to continue with a marketing career here in Ottawa. I’m applying for lower level jobs but they just don’t want me.
And ya know what I know? I know that something great is NOT right around the corner right now because I haven’t done anything to make anything else appear right around the corner ie. until last night I hadn’t applied for a single job in Ottawa since the one I just got rejected for.
So today, I would like to wallow for a change instead of pretending to be strong and smile my way through it and hold everyone else up through MY pain. I’m mad and frustrated and I’m allowed to feel this way.
I’ll get my groove back and I’ll be back on the affirmation train tomorrow – next stop right around the corner – but not today. Today, I’m going to sit in my swanky apartment and stare out the window while distractedly watching some cheesy chick flick and sipping the biggest bowl of red wine I can wrap my hands around. Just one. And I’m not gonna eat and maybe I’ll cry but I’m just gonna feel what I need to feel today.
Well, for someone that complains about not having enough to do, I sure know how to neglect the things I do like to do. It’s been a couple of months since the last time I told some tales and it’s high time I checked in. So here goes…
I feel like I’ve spent the last year of my life waiting for my life to start. I’ve been on a short-term contract with a crown corp working on a website redesign/migration project involving SharePoint 2010 since August of last year. For someone like me, being on a contract means I’ve always got to be looking for the next-best-thing. I’m never quite committed to what’s right in front of me because I’m always thinking about what’s next.
So, I’ve been openly on the prowl for the perfect position. Since I live in a city I find mediocre at best, it does nothing but reinforce my gigantic ego when I get attention from what I consider to be some of the hottest private-sector ass in this tiny town. However, when every dalliance ends with a handshake rather than a proposal it does get rather discouraging.
I’ve tried to embrace my Ottawa life, but every time I did, I found myself looking over it’s proverbial shoulder at what maybe, possibly, might be my very own next-best-thing. But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.
And, instead of continuing to look for the best job in this mediocre town, I’ve been toying with the idea of leaving our oh-so-socially conservative capital to go swim with the sharks in the ocean of marketing opportunity that is TO.
But it’s a big step. When I left London, I left for a lot of reasons. One of the biggest was that something was missing from my relationship with that town. I had a great career, a spectacular social life, and some incredible friends that I have great affection for. But I still wanted more. Despite all London had to offer, it just wasn’t enough. I realised what was missing was sharing my joy and my experiences with the people I love most in the world – my family. So, I left London behind.
But being in Canada hasn’t quite worked out the way I wanted it. In some ways, it’s better: I’m currently closer to my family than I’ve ever been in my life (geographically and emotionally), I got a lap-band and am slowly but surely shedding the pounds I’ve been carrying with me around the world for two decades, and I’ve got some pretty fantastic peeps that keep me entertained (a little less frequently than I would like but it’s probably better for my bank account anyway!).
I guess the point is, despite my previous protests and a very obvious opportunity to indeed ride off into the sunset, I’m not quite ready to break up with my Ottawa life just yet. I think I might just need to focus on what’s important and really commit to it. So, this is my commitment to myself to have an open mind, focus on the best things and start planning some things to look forward to that I couldn’t do living in London or swimming with the sharks in TO.
So, I’ve been a bit busy lately and have been keeping my written rants and raves tucked neatly away in my lollipop. Although I’ve had loads to say I just haven’t really had the chance to type it all out. For my own self indulgence I feel the need to do a little brain dump so in the interests of keeping my blog brief yet informative, my musings will follow here in point form today.
Well, it’s high time for a turn for the better!! I’ve just weighed myself and much to my delight I’ve found that I’ve lost another 2.6 lbs. That certainly doesn’t sound like much but I’ve been stuck at the same weight for an entire month and boy does every little help!
Things seem to be taking a turn for the better right now. I’m socialising a bit more with friends, I’ve got a few very promising job prospects and now the scales start to shift. It’s about effing time, I’ll tell ya! It just goes to show that mental health most certainly does = physical health. So, I’ve really got to stay positive.
That being said, I’m struggling to eat as frequently as I’m supposed to. Every 2-3 hours just doesn’t seem to fit with my fun and fabulous lifestyle of job applications every morning followed by afternoons of shopping and carrying my aunt’s bags and driving her around in her pretty pink Escalade. We’re running around so much we don’t have time to eat!
But I do get the calories…and nearly none of them are good ones! Shame on me, I know. What’s the point of spending all this money on surgery if I don’t eat well, right? Well, I can’t eat as much as I used to so it’s still an improvement if only a small one.
And I do get the regular walking in every day. I’m even hoping to start light jogging in my lovely neighbourhood very soon. It’s a dream of mine to someday be one of those fit-tastic people that rises every morning and runs a couple miles. I shall henceforth be attempting to make that dream a reality.
Now, little job fairies, work your magic while I work mine and most certainly our positive vibes will send me the job of my Ottawa dreams.
A little off-topic (OT) but…
So, I’ve been getting some shi-I mean, feedback from my friends about my (harsh) comments about my life in O-Town. To summarize:
It has been suggested that perhaps I should try not to surround myself with families so much and that I need some single friends in the city. This is true. I only have 2 single friends here. Literally every other friend I have here is either in a relationship, married, flipping a house, having babies or all of the above. Ottawa is absolutely fabulous for that kind of thing! I’d love it in a second if that’s where I was in my life. But I’m not. Yet.
It’s been suggested that I should move to TO or some other larger city in Canada. This is the truest of the true. Ultimately, this is my goal. However, I need to find a job to fund the journey elsewhere. I’m also not too keen on moving away from every single member of my family to somewhere across the country. After all, I did move back to Canada to be closer to my family.
It’s also been suggested that each city is what one makes of it. This is also true. Since I don’t have much money I haven’t really been able to make my experience here my own. I am now vowing that this shall change when I get a job.
In fact, I found this super awesome exhibition at the National Gallery of Canada that I definitely have to hit when I’ve got some dosh. It even came all the way from LONDON!! Yayyyyy!! It’s called Pop Life: Art in a Material World and I positively pumped to see it.
So, I’m hoping I’m wrong about living in capital and when I get a job I will test that theory. Until then, I’m a grumpy girl missing my city life.
So, I pondered my little predicament over the last couple of days and I really am truely tired of this city. At first I thought it might be simply my lack of employment and general purpose in this imperfect society or perhaps my inability to chew away the pain, but the more I think about living my life in this small town city, the more I realise that ultimately, it’s not what I want.
Even if by some stroke of good fortune I find myself in the job of my Ottawa dreams I’m not sure it will be enough. A lack of consistent income has meant a steady increase in my debt-load which, quite frankly, I’m already struggling to cart around. So, any money I might make certainly won’t be the solution to my sorrows.
I’ve already got my family here and I’ve got some lovely friends. It’s just that I’m so BORED I honestly don’t know what to do with myself. And my priorities are simply NOT the same as most of O-town’s residents. It’s a LOVELY city if you want to own a house or you’ve got a family and plan to raise kiddies. But as everyone knows, little Baby Mac’s are NOT in my future.
Consider me the Carrie of my friends only a little less promiscuous and considerably less fashionable (and currently Mr Big-less). Speaking of which, I saw SATC2 and despite the critics’ condemnation, I quite loved it. It was a pretty simple story and a lot of the attire was ridiculous at best but it was a fun film nonetheless. And it made me miss London. A lot.
I don’t want to go backwards so I’m not going back to The Big Smoke (unless I’m visiting) but I really gotta get the hells outta Dodge. Where’s a bad man with a horse and a big sack of bills when you need one?
Well, I’m back from the CALL Conference and feelin’ pretty fine! I’ve mentioned it in passing but I’m a marketing consultant and I’m currently between contracts. What that means in layman’s terms is quite simply, I’m unemployed.
Being at the CALL annual conference which I’ve attended faithfully with Justis Publishing for the last four years made me feel alive again. I so enjoy my job (when I’m working) but the people really make it worthwhile. My Justis colleagues, although sometimes a PITA like most colleagues are on occasion, really are a fantastic bunch and equally, the clients. I’ve always looked forward to this conference and this year was no exception.
In terms of band relations, it was a bit of a nightmare. If I’d been there in a completely professional capacity I’m pretty sure there would have been nothing both clean eating and bandster friendly to eat at the conference or during the social events. I brought some of my own food so I was okay but when that ran out, it really tested my clean eating knowledge.
The first night, I started the evening with my very favourite drink – a Manhattan…
It really doesn’t get much better than this for me. I just LOVE them. And as alcoholic drinks go, they’re pretty much bandster friendly due to the lack of carbonation but they’re fairly high in calories and alcohol content so should be consumed in moderation.
My Justis friends…treated me to a fantastic dinner at Windsor‘s ‘most upscale’ restaurant…The Keg! Huh?? I’ve got nothing against The Keg cause the food was great and the staff were friendly and prompt but it’s The Keg and me and these mates have eaten at some pretty flash places so I was surprised to hear they’d been there the night before and were keen to go again.
I hadn’t tried steak since getting the band so erred on the side of caution and went for a very delicious chicken dish. Needless to said I ate about a quarter of the food on my plate. But it was good. That being said, EVERYTHING they served came in a HUGE portion with loads of unnecessary carbs so a lot was wasted.
Even the appetizer (crab, parmesan and spinach dip) was too cheesy and came with twice-fried tortilla chips that seemed a bit to thick for me to have more than a nibble.
Also a challenge was the not drinking a glass of wine with my dinner. I had one glass at the beginning while my dinner companions finished the appetizer but had only just a few sips through dinner. And no dessert. A definite improvement from previous conference night’s out but felt a bit deprived.
I did dare to drink a bit more throughout the evening (about an hour after dinner) but it was tough to make bandster-friendly drink selections (if there is such a thing!) and I was full for quite a while.
Most drinks come with carbonated mixer and all bottled drinks come carbonated. I ended up going with Manhattans, other martinis and a significant amount of shooters. I’m fairly certain I’ll be paying for it on the scales this week!
Got an email from my old colleagues back in London who happen to be in Canada this weekend at the Canadian Association of Law Librarians (CALL) Annual Conference in Windsor. They’re planning a big bash and they’ve invited me to join them for the evening. Since I’m not working I was a little hesitant to accept their most gracious invitation. However, I thought about it and realised that it’s the prefect place for me to be right now. I get to see some old friends, get a taste of my old working environment and where else can I find over 50 potential employers in one room??
So, I’m off for the next couple of days to enjoy the sites and sounds of Windsor. This will also be the first time I’ve in a work environment with a band. Considering all we do is eat and drink in the evenings at conferences this may or may not be my biggest food challenge yet!
Since I was feeling quite refreshed today I thought it was time I went for a wander with my dear Gam and my auntie. We went to the chic and cheerful SAAB Salon & Spa on Ottawa’s Bank street for them to get a quick primp and pamper.
Whilst I was awaiting the completion of a double masterpiece, one of the super stylists was bored and offered to curl my very rushed, recently-washed-but-not-dried hair. I had no other plans so I let her do her thang and hot damn my hair looked fantastic when she was through! And it was free!
The lovely ladies on Frank’s team really do a go above and beyond. We’ve booked a Mother’s Day Girls Day Out for May 8th so I’m really looking forward some de-stressing. Not that I’m particularly worn-out, just effing tired of looking for a job. Hmph.
We then headed to what some would most certainly consider the Mecca for Canadian frugalistas: Winner’s. I never fail to find something fabulous every time I see inside their four white walls. And this time was no exception. I picked up a very pretty pair of the most perfectly portioned plastic containers from Fit & Fresh.
I chose the Lunch on the Go Set ($7.99 CAD down from $16.99 CAD) and the Fresh Start Breakfast Chiller ($5.99 down from $12.99 CAD). These little gems are going to be a big help with portion control now that I’ve got such a tiny tummy!
Friday was my first day out and about on my own since my surgery. I woke up feeling pretty great. I got ready for the government job test I was heading to with little effort and only a slightly lighter head than usual. Since I still couldn’t do it myself, my grandmother played handmaid and helped me heave myself into my sports brassiere which provides the support I need to keep The Girls away from my incisions.
I was a little over-confident in my recovery and stupidly forgot my pain meds. I wasn’t feeling much pain when I left the house so I figured I’d be fine until after the test. Sadly, no less than 30 minutes into my 3-hour test, the gas pain returned to my neck and shoulder so severely I couldn’t finish it (not that I wanted to anyway…the job turned out to be something completely different than the ad).
Anyway, I got out of there and went to wait for the chariot that is public transpo.
I was concerned about the 1.5 hour ride back from Gatineau to the East End of Ottawa but quickly found that the bus was exactly the bumpy ride I needed. The bumps seemed to alleviate most of my gas pain in not time at all. But thank eff I was wearing my sports bra!!
I had some port-side pain which I suspect was a result of the bra pressing on my incision but it was very short-lived. I find that when I get up, if I press my hand over the top of the incision, it dulls the pain significantly. Otherwise, it feels a bit like a burning/tearing feeling which I’m not sure is because I THINK my port is pulling because I know it’s there or because it’s actually pulling a little because it’s still healing.
The gas pain of the afternoon subsided for a few hours but returned at bedtime. I still didn’t have my meds so it was two children’s chewable Gravol to the rescue. They tasted pretty great, considering. At least I didn’t have to crush them into shot glass half-full of water like I’ve been doing with the demerol. So, down the hatch they went and Gravol played the hero of the day by conquering the dreaded gas pain and knocking me out in less than 15 minutes flat.