I’m happy. You heard it right, I’m genuinely happy! I’m back in Ottawa, close to the people I love, doing a job I love, in an apartment I love, with lots of potential for fun in the future. AND I’ve even started losing weight again. I guess the whole ‘healthy mind, healthy body’ thing has some truth to it. Things really are GRRRREAT!
The only thing that seems to be missing is a +1 in all of this. In the past, I’ve spent a lot of time focusing on how much I don’t want to date. Generally speaking, I’m confident in my day-to-day life but being a fat chick occasionally has an impact on the ol’ psyche and where it hits hardest for me is about dating. I’d much rather focus on my physical needs than let myself get emotionally involved with someone. But honestly, I don’t even do that.
You see I don’t date because I don’t want to fall in love and risk a man leaving me one day. Since, you know, every man I’ve ever loved has left eventually…And I don’t date because I think that every man who’s attracted to me must have something wrong with them. I mean, why would any man be attracted to fat chick, right?
My brother recently asked me what I’m so afraid of when it comes to dating. He summed it up best with a Dinner for Schmucks analogy and he was oh so right: To my very core, I’m terrified that any man I might be interested in is only interested in me to take advantage of my perceived low self esteem, humiliate me and/or make me the butt of some elaborate joke about fat chicks. Don’t worry, I know how irrational it sounds – but that, my friends, is my biggest fear. You can see how that might make it difficult for me to date, yes?
It’s messed up in my pretty little head but I’m working on it…
A couple of years ago, I (half) made a decision to start dating again. When I made that decision, I made it thinking I was ready to invite someone into my life. I was looking for a connection – mental or physical – I didn’t care which at that point. The truth is that I just wanted to feel SOMETHING.
So, I started chatting with a potential suitor from an online dating site. We spent some time getting to know each other virtually but despite his best efforts, I could never commit to meeting him in person. It was safer that way – if he couldn’t see me, he couldn’t reject me. Even though we clicked in a few very important ways, I was just too scared to take the risk.
We’ve kept in touch over the years. As it turns out he’s actually a pretty cool guy who I’ve enjoyed chatting with on a number of occasions. Sometimes about things I’ve never spoken to anyone about before. We’ve developed a rapport. I trust him. And I’ve always enjoyed the attention.
That said, at some point along the way his pursuits (d)evolved somewhat in that he shifted his strategy from dating to something a little more mechanical. This in and of itself made the situation more appealing to me. It made me feel attractive and desirable for the first time in a long time. So, after some lengthy discussions and 3 years of his ever so patient pursuits, I finally managed to convince myself that I could give his proposal a shot. And what happened next, you say? Well, just when I’d resigned and chose to accept his advances, he tells me that he’s started seeing a lovely gal he’s been keen on for some time. Ain’t that a bitch?
I don’t have many regrets in life. But I can honestly say that not giving this guy a real chance during his nearly 3-year endeavour to meet me has certainly turned out to be one of them. The timing just wasn’t right and I don’t know what would have happened between us.
Truth be told, we were both pretty messed up on the relationship front so it most likely would have been purely physical. There’s something still lingering between us though so I’m doing my best to keep my distance. He seems to be doing much better now though. I guess I’ll just have to adjust the settings on the greenhouse window that is StalkBook so I don’t have to continue watching their relationship blossom.
Getting out of my own head will certainly help me with my dating dilemma. So that’s what I’m gonna do. I’ve said it before but this time I mean it…really. I think…